It is August 2021 and I am on sick-leave. I have been on sick-leave since April, for the entire Summer. My mind remains muddled and broken, my blood is toxic and my heart is heavy with sorrow. I have gained weight due both to fluid retention and a degree of inactivity. I have been at home for the entire Summer but it has not been enjoyable, this is not a holiday. I have been ill and my Summer has been one of despair.
I am at the time of writing however, on the road to recovery. A slow, rather painful process of rehabilitation and self-reflection. I have been ill for a very long time, a secret and hidden illness that I have not shared even with my closest family and friends, until it was almost too late. Now I sit attempting to ponder a future that a few months ago, I did not have. My journey to health is not yet over but yes, a corner has been turned.
'Plague me no more, I am exhausted by thy blows.' Psalm 39. NEB.
At the time of writing my resuming work, is less of a priority than maintaining my health. I have an uncertain future. The only firm decision that I have made; that I am capable of making, is that I will now retire no later than sixty. This decision is made in the perhaps doubtful knowledge, that I will not see the UK state retirement age.
As I emerge slowly from a drug induced but necessary stupor, an illness of torment and as I begin to rebuild my life; I am begrudgingly thankful for my second chance. A strange contradictory state of mind that is barely rational. I am however, grateful for the effort made by family and friends. Those who have come to my aid, in this my time of greatest need and now remain on hand to support me.
Once my illness had been identified and the seriousness of the situation fully appraised, COVID restrictions were at times ignored; in an effort to see me through the more difficult stages of my illness. During this time I have asked myself many questions, examining in close detail my spirituality, my priorities and my hopes. Some questions have been answered and some have not. Some matters have been settled with a harsh and almost terminal finding. I will never have children. I am as I have long suspected, infertile.
'Brace yourself and stand like a man, I will ask questions and you shall answer.' Job 40:7 NEB.
In great efforts to lighten my mood, my pain and to aid my healing; I have been out for trips, walks and visits. I have been taken by family and friends to all manner of places. Including antique shops, museums, open parkland and quaint cafes. The energy expended on their part, I have perhaps not always appreciated at the time.
My recovery mental, physical and emotional, has not been entirely steady, even though it has ran a fairly predictable course. The death of a member of what I consider my extended family has caused me hurt, when in turn I witnessed the great pain; that such a loss caused to my loved ones.
'For the wound of the daughter of my people is my heart wounded; I mourn and dismay has taken hold on me.' Jeremiah 8:21 English Standard Version Anglicised.
Those readers who follow my blogs closely, will be aware that bar poetry; I have not published for months. I have been too unwell and too preoccupied with other matters. My concentration, focus and motivation have suffered greatly. My ability to write; to study, to research and to create, all have been seriously impeded. Work submitted well in advance of the crisis point of my illness, has been published. This includes a new journal called Tumzantorum and links to that publication are below. My inclusion is a source of pride.
I have instead found the necessary distraction, in the physical rather than the mental. The gates have been given a fresh coat of wood-stain, the outside paintwork has been given a fresh coat. I have rearranged multiple times my library and study corner, until finally it is as near to my idea of perfection as it can ever be. My Ebay stock has been completely reorganised and many more items have been sent to charity outlets.
Sadly the Hearth of the Turning Wheel has not met in the physical for over a year now, illness, shielding and the basic COVID restrictions, have proven to be an insurmountable barrier. The Hearth is therefore dormant and physically inactive. I expect the Hearth will remain so for the foreseeable future.
In many respects 2021 has been nothing more than a repeat of 2020 and this for most of us was not unexpected. I have commented in a previous blog that some self deluded or overly optimistic souls, appeared to think that COVID would vanish at midnight on New Year's Eve. That unfortunately was never going to be the case.
'Forsake the foolish, and live; and go in the way of understanding.' Proverbs 9:6 KJV.
As Summer slowly turns to Autumn and a natural tide of reflection, I must now face the future with what strength I have. Yet I am secure in the knowledge; that there are many who will provide a steady hand, should I falter or fall.
'Tears may linger at nightfall but joy comes in the morning.' Job 30:5 NEB.
Tumzantorum
Volume 1 Number 1 - SALES LINK
http://zoshouse.com/books/tumzantorum/
Tumzantorum
Volume 1 Number 1 - SUBMISSION DETAILS
http://zoshouse.com/tumzantorum/
Tumzantorum Volume
1 Number 1- LAUNCHED
https://chatteringmagpie.wordpress.com/2021/05/31/tumzantorum-volume-1-number-1-launched/
Lockdown
24th March 2020
https://chatteringmagpie.wordpress.com/2020/03/24/Lockdown-24th-march-2020/
Lockdown
Part Two & Clap for our Carers 2020
https://chatteringmagpie.wordpress.com/2020/04/09/Lockdown-part-two-clap-for-our-carers-2020/
Lockdown
Part Three – Clap for Boris & Easter Weekend 2020
Lockdown
Part 4 – Maytide & VE Day 2020
https://chatteringmagpie.wordpress.com/2020/05/18/lockdown-part-4-maytide-ve-day-2020/
LOCKDOWN
PART FIVE – MEDIA LIES
https://chatteringmagpie.wordpress.com/2020/06/02/lockdown-part-five-media-lies/
Lockdown
Part 6 – When this is over
https://chatteringmagpie.wordpress.com/2020/09/07/lockdown-part-6-when-this-is-over/
Lockdown
Part 7 – Autumn 2020
https://chatteringmagpie.wordpress.com/2020/10/21/lockdown-part-7-autumn-2020/
Lockdown
Part 8 – Hallowtide 2020
https://chatteringmagpie.wordpress.com/2020/11/16/lockdown-part-8-hallowtide-2020/
Lockdown
Part 9 – Candlemas & Lambtide 2021
https://chatteringmagpie.wordpress.com/2021/02/05/lockdown-part-9-candlemas-lambtide-2021/
LOCKDOWN
PART TEN – ONE YEAR GONE
https://chatteringmagpie.wordpress.com/2021/03/28/lockdown-part-ten-one-year-gone/
TWENTY – TWENTY
VISION – A YEAR IN REVIEW
https://chatteringmagpie.wordpress.com/2021/01/10/twenty-twenty-vision-a-year-in-review/
The Toxic
Internet & Intolerance
https://chatteringmagpie.wordpress.com/2020/03/24/the-toxic-internet-intolerance/
The Toxic
Internet & Misinformation
https://chatteringmagpie.wordpress.com/2020/02/08/the-toxic-internet-misinformation/
TOXIC INTERNET:
SOCIAL MEDIA & THE SEEDS OF DIVISION
https://chatteringmagpie.wordpress.com/2020/12/10/social-media-the-seeds-of-division/
Young Earth
Creationism and the Televangelist Movement
https://chatteringmagpie.wordpress.com/2020/06/30/young-earth-creationism-and-the-televangelist-movement/
American
Christianity & Politics
https://chatteringmagpie.wordpress.com/2021/01/13/american-christianity-politics/
Mankind’s Great
Achievement
https://chatteringmagpie.wordpress.com/2021/03/22/mankinds-great-achievement/
LIVING IN TWO
WORLDS
https://chatteringmagpie-summonerofthehearth.blogspot.com/2018/08/living-in-two-worlds.html
SELF-IDENTITY
& LABELLING
https://chatteringmagpie.wordpress.com/2020/06/30/self-identity-labelling/
Perceptions –
Misconceptions & Change
https://chatteringmagpie.wordpress.com/2020/07/08/perceptions-misconceptions-change/
An
Introduction to the Hearth of the Turning Wheel
https://chatteringmagpie.wordpress.com/2019/05/21/an-introduction-to-the-hearth-of-the-turning-wheel/
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